LOVE Poem: i want to know, by Katerina Dementeva

The sun is thirsting for her as much I do. I can see that through the window of my sport’s pub, through the tiny square with the fountain where we just had lunch together, through the window of her gym where she’s laughing with her client and showing her how to use the leg extension machine properly.

The sun is thirsting for her almost as much as I do. I dislike it. If it won’t stop its liquid sliding on
her skin, she will close shutters and what will I look at then?

She looks up through her window, through our square, through my window — at me. She smiles, not like she smiles at her client. I blush.

When she looks away I touch the corner of my lips, the place her lips touched minutes ago. It’s silly, I know. Like always, after the kiss she murmured: have a great day, my precious colleague. Calling us colleagues is also silly but I loved it, and I laughed — like I always do.

Drinking vodka shots at 2 p.m. girl breaks a glass. I jump. No big deal, no worries, I say. The girl looks like she’s about to cry. I go get the broom.

I take a misty picture of a dark storage room
so it will be easier for me
to picture her pushing me to one wall
or me pushing her to another
and kiss.

the worst thing here is
not me fantasising about the kiss
the worst —
that I don’t

I don’t want to picture
I want to know

and I want to hear all her long, long stories,
laugh at her bad jokes,
eat her healthy food,
watch boring movies with her,
let her drive even though I really hate the way she do it

more — I don’t mind being friendly with her dogs
or her plants
or her kids
or her husband
oh fuck
I didn’t remember being in love to feel so shitty. But it is. Also, I didn’t remember
to get the broom, as the drinking girl politely points out.

I return and take it
then put it down
to take another picture
of a dark storage room
in a hope
that one day
I will see it in photo archive
and think
what is that?

that’s a lie

in a hope
that one day
I will see it in photo archive
and tell her:
oh, back then it was ridiculous
I couldn’t stop thinking about kissing you
and this goddamn broom
can you believe it?
I forgot it the second time too

and the worst thing is
I don’t want to imagine
her answer
or her smile
or the firmness and softness of her body
or how welcoming it is
or an absolute bliss
or the kiss
or any of this

I want to know